Always find myself switching between freezing & melting.
Holed up for almost an entire day last week, refusing calls & messages, basically refusing the world. As with the not-so-sudden realization that it’s perhaps nowhere near possible for me to even achieve something deemed worthy of praise anymore, in basically all or any aspect of life, I’ve come to realize that all that I was chasing in the past is no longer within my control. For all that it was worth, it has suddenly disappeared, gone without a warning. Rejection, that was my kryptonite.
So well, lost & slightly bruised (yet, again), this time round I took it as a blessing in disguise that my blackberry decided to take a dip in the toilet, where it is still currently not revivable. Been surviving on a lousy bling-ed up replacement phone, away from school emails and whatsnot. Hate that I can’t access twitter while on transit though, since it’s my only source of entertainment. ONLY.
Thank God for S who turned up at my doorstep with a tub of Frolick from school that day, rushing during his 2 hour break in between his meetings, and convinced me that things are never gonna stay the same way & if we can’t keep up with the status quo, we can only just try to accept the way things are now & stop beating ourselves up over what we lack. Cos we are just never enough, if we keep comparing ourselves to others.. So we just gotta look at what we’ve gained in the process on losing other things.
I’m not going to pretend that everything is alright, cos rejection not once, but twice, in something that I’ve given all my heart to, is not an easy pill to swallow. But bitterness is not the way out, instead I’ll channel more time and effort to regain the relationships with people & other to-dos I’ve disregarded & displaced in the past.
Which, I’ve spent the past few days doing & my weekends have never felt as complete. Spent quality time with my mum & my dad on separate occasions, had meals with them (that means sitting down & having proper conversations, not to-gos), visited a plant nursery, celebrated S’s birthday with his extended family, watched a couple of episodes of “The Mentalist”, & did some major retail therapy at City Plaza with my mum. In fact, I haven’t been in school since Thursday’s class, in fact nowhere near town at all. Quite a feat for an SMU student I must say.
Funny thing is I’m trying hard and it’s unlike me to get so caught up in things;
But I won’t quit, I won’t quit.
And I’ll try to laugh again.
(via stylerally)
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andthenimetu reblogged this from dumbl-edore
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